Dear God,
In the Bible it says to wear a tunic with embroidered pomegranates around the hem.
Would it be okay to use kiwi fruit? My husband doesn’t like pomegranates.
Signed,
Troubled in Toledo.
Dear Troubled,
Were you paying attention to what I said? I don’t think I could make it any clearer:
“There shall be an opening for his head in the middle of it; it shall have a woven binding all around its opening, like the opening in a coat of mail, so that it does not tear. And upon its hem you shall make pomegranates of blue, purple, and scarlet, all around its hem, and bells of gold between them all around: a golden bell and a pomegranate, a golden bell and a pomegranate, upon the hem of the robe all around.” (Exodus 28:32)
“They made on the hem of the robe pomegranates of blue, purple, and scarlet, and of fine woven linen. And they made bells of pure gold, and put the bells between the pomegranates on the hem of the robe all around between the pomegranates: a bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate, all around the hem of the robe to [a]minister in, as the Lord had commanded Moses.” (Exodus 39:24)
“And they made bells of pure gold, and put the bells between the pomegranates on the hem of the robe all around between the pomegranates: a bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate, all around the hem of the robe to [a]minister in, as the Lord had commanded Moses.” (Exodus 39:25)
How many times do I have to say it? It’s a bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate all the way around. Not a bell and a kiwi fruit. That’s ridiculous.
Dear God,
In the bible it says you should not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk. What does seethe mean? Is it like a marinade? Could I use yogurt instead?
Signed,
In the Kitchen
Dear Kitchen,
Seethe, boil – who knows the difference. Here’s my recipe:
“The first of the first fruits of your land you shall bring to the house of the Lord your God (that’s me!). You shall not seethe a young goat in its mother’s milk.” (Exodus 23:19)
So no boiling in mother’s milk. For a goat. Yogurt is a nice idea! But not from its own mother’s milk.
Dear God,
Satan has offered me an extension on the chapter I told him I didn’t have the time to write after all. What should I do?
Bewildered in Baltimore
Dear Bewildered,
How should I know? You must into your heart look.
B: You’re Yoda?!
G: Let the force be with you.
B: That’s not much help, God.
G: It’s the best I can do with the material you’ve given me.
B: I’ll have to think. That’s so hard!
Dear God,
This is very bad. I cheated on my wife and got one of those diseases. Do I have to tell her? What should I do?
Sorry in Sacramento
Dear Sorry,
You great boob! Didn’t you wear protection? Why do you think I gave sheep intestines? Yes, you must tell your wife. Be prepared for her to throw things at you. Possibly large and painful things. Before you lie with your wife again, you must eat moldy bread every day for a week. Some flowers wouldn’t hurt.
Dear God,
What’s this about not mixing wool and linen? I suppose you’ll be forbidding stripes and paisley next.
Fashion Diva in Fergus Falls
Dear Diva,
‘You shall keep My statutes. You shall not let your livestock breed with another kind. You shall not sow your field with mixed seed. Nor shall a garment of mixed linen and wool come upon you. (Leviticus 19:19)
It’s kind of a theme. Do you see?
Dear God,
I don’t have livestock. I don’t have seed or a field. I just have a whole bunch of linen and wool. What am I supposed to do with it all?
Fashion Diva
Dear Diva,
Okay, for you I make an exception – much good it will do you. I think even the people of Fergus Falls (and where the H-E-Double hockey sticks is that?) will be dismayed to see you mixing linen and wool. You can forget about the book club!
Dear God,
Can I have a puppy?
Lonely in Laramie,
Dear Lonely,
What does your mother say?
Dear God,
She says absolutely not.
Dear Lonely,
It’s on its way.
Dear God,
Whatever happened to Art Linkletter?
Just Curious
Dear Curious,
I have no idea! I used to like it when he asked women to look in their purses for strange things and they always had them.
Dear God,
Why is the sky blue?
Flunked Physics
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